Finding the Light

Late night thoughts: Part 18.2

Hi! As promised, I'll be opening up more about what I'm doing to improve my mental health - this is one of my longest posts to date (I separated it into 2 parts), but with good intention! This is part two!

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In addition to continuing talk-therapy, I've decided to go through ketamine infusion therapy starting mid-November. I'm nervous, and excited. Due to the PTSD, my brain has been changing in some not-so-helpful ways for almost 15 years (PTSD and other diagnoses can cause physical changes in the brain).

I don't remember much pre- and post-2008....little snippets here and there (like I mentioned above!) since I'm so focused on the short term, my nervous system is on overdrive, my moods are unpredictable, even in moments of "calm", and I'm constantly hypervigilant, even in the safety of my own home.

I've done research off and on for the last year about ketamine therapy, and I've received insight about the experiences of the therapy through family-friends who have gone through the treatment under similar circumstances. Talk therapy will continue as normal. But, should all go well, there could be improvement with my "symptoms" almost immediately. In extremely simple terms, Ketamine therapy could help with regrowth of synaptic connections, and/or to restock neurons with specific receptors that have previously been deactivated, weakened, or lost all together.

To set the "scene" of what I've been told to expect, the IV therapy will consist of 6 sessions over 2 weeks (consecutive business days). I'll take "day 1" off of work and will be working the morning of the rest of the 5 sessions before heading up north for afternoon infusions. I'll be in a private room with headphones (hello, ambient music), a blanket and an eye mask. I'll receive the infusion for 45 minutes and will have another 45 minutes to relax and “come down” without the infusion actively running before I head home.

I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect during the actual infusion. I haven't taken any "altering" medication in years (even after a couple of surgeries, I chose not to take pain meds aside from OTC pain relief), I've been clean from other recreational dr*gs for over 10 years, and I chose to stop drinking virtually altogether in the last few years (I just don't care for how alcohol affects my mental state and emotions). Luckily, I've been assured that a nurse/clinician will be available when I need them to make any adjustments if I start to dislike what's happening (dissociation) - which is one of the main things that's helped me take the leap to go into the unknown of it all.

I think what I'm looking forward to the most is that I'll be done with the treatment a few days prior to December, which has been a really awful month for me for almost 15 years. My mom made a great point when we were speaking about the treatment taking place now versus later.... how cool would it be to have a peaceful/easier December for the first time in over 1/2 my life?

Before 100% committing to the infusions, I explained the following analogy to my support system: I feel like I'm in a dark forest, constantly fearful of what's behind and in front of me at every turn, and I imagine that the treatment will be like peeking through a bush, and I'll see light and some bright(er) colors, along with a sense of being truly calm and safe. I'm hopeful that the effects will be even more than I can imagine, but if my analogy is the bare minimum that I experience, I'll consider it successful. My nervous system and I are looking forward to a break.

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I'm sharing all of this now, because my writing may take on a whole new path once I'm done with the infusion therapy. I am planning to "journal" throughout the 2 weeks (maybe even daily!) to share my own experience on a broader scale. I have talk-therapy the day before I begin, during which I hope to set the "baseline" of where I am now so we can track any changes together once the infusions are complete.

I have so many people in my corner going into this, which means I am feeling supported, seen and heard with whatever is about to happen.

So, with all of this - I won’t post again until after Thanksgiving. By then, all 6 infusions will be complete. I’m looking forward to coming back and sharing my experience, as well as the “immediate” outcome! Please don’t hesitate to reach out to ask questions, or to simply check-in. I’ll be around, but I’m sure I’ll be in the thick of a little adjustment period.

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*Disclaimer; I am not a clinician. I have done my own research, I have spoken with my support system about this option, I have looked at different clinics and different options completely (different forms of therapy, SGB, etc.). If you're interested in this type of "therapy" option, please do your due diligence with speaking to experts/clinics, reading medical journals and studies looking at both the negatives and positives, and even branching out to see what other therapy options that are out there may be a better fit. While ketamine can help with a variety of ailments, and as tiresome as it can be, I implore you to look at a handful of available options for what may help you out the most!

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I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.

Find the beauty in being broken.

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