New Year, Same Me

Late night thoughts: Part 19

Well, it's now a few weeks into 2024. I've entered my 30th year. I'm not usually big on celebrating entering a new year - it's just another day, another week, another month. Also, the 31st of December just isn't my favorite day of the year - the flashbacks, visceral feelings, and emotions run high.

But this year, I celebrated with family, friends, games, great food and lots of confetti, and was able to get my mind off of what usually occupies it on the last day of the year. It was one of the better entries into the new year that I've had in some time! So, with that, welcome to my first post of 2024, and Happy New Year!

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Since going through treatment/infusions at the end of November, I've been experiencing random occurrences of memories popping back into my head that have been "missing" or pushed aside for years - in a way that I imagine memories should show up naturally most of the time! As I've mentioned previously, due to simply trying to get through each moment of each day for the last 15 years, my ability to recall memories have been far and few between - from childhood all the way up to recent months. Big "thanks" to survival mode (she says sarcastically, of course).

But this renewed chance to reflect on past years has allowed me to specifically reflect upon 2023 in a more detailed manner than I believed would have been possible. Usually, recent weeks can feel like years ago, but because my brain is making some physical changes for the better, I'm able to put my thoughts and memories into a precise timeline of events, and I have a whole new view and appreciation for what has happened in the last year alone. 

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I've been able to recognize that in 2023, I was not afraid to do some soul searching, to look for deeper reasons, to start finding my purpose and to ask myself challenging and confronting questions. It was a year where I got to know both my highest and lowest self. A year of many difficult conversations and setting boundaries I never thought I would need. It was a year that was far from easy, but it helped me learn to candidly listen to my own voice, to trust my gut and to believe in myself and in my future. Before the ketamine therapy, 2023 from January-November felt like a jumbled-up blur. But now, I'm able to accurately remember key moments, feelings and events from the past year. This is healing - being able to not only focus on 2023, but to also be able to recall earlier years as well.

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Within all of that reflection, I've started to believe that some of us are meant to experience life more deeply. We are painstakingly present yet constantly living in a state of sentimentality for the past. We're highly attentive to the beauty and pain in the world and we yearn for a future where the good that’s been lost can be restored. Yes, this can bring on the highest highs and the lowest lows, but it all reminds us of the fragility of life, as well as the significance and acceptance of moving forward through the good and the bad. Feeling things so deeply isn't just another thing that’s happened to us; it's a gift in the grand scheme of it all.

Each of us are lucky to get to experience the life we have, to work toward the life we want, and to bask in results of every path we've taken to get to where we are in the present moment. You have made it through both the easy and tough times of your life thus far, and for that, you should celebrate YOU, and be proud of yourself. Don't take a single day for granted.

I don’t think I’ve ever set New Years resolutions before, and I’m still not planning on it. Instead, I am going hold myself accountable to appreciate my small wins moving forward. I will celebrate the times I stay soft and grounded when my nervous system tells me to be tense and to flee, especially now that I can better differentiate between calmness and anxiety/fear. I will celebrate the times I choose myself over validation from others. I will focus on honoring and recognizing what I already have, instead of focusing on what I lack.

2024, I see you, and it's not going to me a new me. It's still me - strong, curious, passionate, patient, hopeful, creative, logical, empathetic and authentic; imperfect, introverted, insecure, sensitive, blunt, careful, quiet and vulnerable - embodying and accepting of all parts to continue to heal and grow.

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Some reminders going into the new year, month, week or day; for myself, and maybe for you too…

I believe we all need to remember that life isn't about being perfect.

It's about following your heart so intimately that reason and common sense has to catch up.

It's about taking imprecise or unplanned turns but enjoying the unexpected views.

It's about collecting unexpected but wondrous friends who see your magic and help you spread it.

It's about being so madly passionate that people think you're a little crazy.

It's about loving yourself so fiercely that the world can't help but love you back.

It's about being a hot mess of happiness that treats every setback as a plot twist for the better.

It's about being the individualist who writes their own story, not the pawn that moves as told.

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On a final (and sort of out-of-the-blue) note, referring to my last post of 2023, I just have to say that I know how painful it is to be so aware and accepting that your trauma is not your fault, but knowing full and well that you have to take complete and total responsibility for your healing. This has been the one thing that has attributed to most of my internal anger in recent weeks, having been ever so present in my thoughts. Before I was "ready" to potentially take action for what happened, I was simply existing and surviving from one moment to the next- keeping my head above water. And then, when I finally felt "ready", to have the possibility of some sort of resolution taken away, completely out of my control, has been frustrating and confusing. But it's also helped me clearly appreciate that I am stronger than I will really be able to grasp in any given moment, that I am in control of my narrative, that I am not what happened TO me, and that I will survive through tough times - having done so already.

So, I'm sending love to everyone who is carrying their burdens, pains and/or secrets in silence and to everyone who wants to be heard but is too afraid to speak. It’s never too late to reach out, speak out or begin healing. You deserve nothing but happiness.

If 2023 was a year of survival, may 2024 be a year of revival. May you thrive in the process of getting where you both need and want to be.

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With a new year comes an updated mantra ~

I care about you. You matter and are needed. You are strong and resilient. You are loved and valued. You are not alone; We are in this together.

There is beauty in being broken.

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