Out of the dark forest and into the light, Part 1
Ketamine Therapy series
Hi! As I've said previously, this is the part where I am going to share what I'm doing on my path to healing. So, here’s what I wrote down each day. I spell-checked, and organized a just a little bit, but otherwise it’s raw. No fluff. I didn’t add anything new, now that I’m looking back at each day 1+ weeks after writing it. You will notice that my “morning”/pre-infusion journaling was short and sweet most days, and I think it’s because 1. I was still technically “on the drug”/not 100% sober, I was tired, and I wasn’t noticing much else in way of change/feelings between writing the night before and writing again after each infusion.
This will be its own mini-series of 5 posts, simply because of the sheer number of details I wrote down, and because I didn't want to delete anything because I was writing from the heart each day and want to stay transparent, so I recommend reading them in order to understand the entirety of it. They'll all be posted within minutes of each other, so you won't have to wait for any to be available! They'll be posted in order of when I wrote them.
Day 1
Well, I'm starting to see the light in that dark, terrifying forest.
I didn’t write anything down this morning, because I was deep into my thoughts – nerves, mainly. I was so ready to get started. Luckily, it was first thing in the morning, so that didn’t last too long. We woke up around 8, left the house around 9, and my initial appointment with a psychiatrist NP was at 10:30. This 30-minute appointment entailed an extremely detailed questionnaire of sorts to ultimately confirm that ketamine treatment is right would be right for me. Both behavioral health and medical history is reviewed in full, including family history. Therapy is discussed to make sure there's that extra level of support in place. We also talked about the science behind the ketamine treatment, to really understand what happens and what to expect. I was given time to ask questions as well.
Once the appointment was completed, I was led straight back to the infusion room. The infusion nurse was great with explaining step by step what she was doing. She made sure I knew how to adjust the chair, she set me up with my eye mask, and some great ambient music (gave me options for the type of "vibe" I'd like!) and gave me the call button just in case I'd need it.
Now- this is where it gets "interesting". During the infusion, time was non-existent, feeling like both the longest and shortest 50 minutes of my life. I went numb (couldn't move/feel much of my body unless I thought about specific areas (toes, fingers on my right hand, and my mouth) which helped "ground" me when needed. This is a normal feeling, considering the type of drug that ketamine is. With the numbness came a feeling of ...floating. Felt like I imagine zero gravity would feel like. Speaking of zero gravity, it almost felt like I was in space (fun fact, that was the first thing I said to the infusion nurse!). I saw so many colors and "stars" and felt like I was physically floating from one thought to the next. Usually my brain is rapid-firing thoughts constantly, but during the infusion, it was all linked and connected. Have you ever seen Interstellar? The 5th dimension scene is the closest I can get to explaining how the experience really was. I was completely focused on good things in my life. I had no negative experiences/dissociation.
“Coming down" was a very clear experience. I became more aware of my body rather suddenly after hearing the IV machine shut off. And at that time, for total transparency, I felt that I really needed to pee (pat on the back for hydrating so well to avoid a dehydration headache!). So, I hit that call button 30 minutes after the infusion stopped and was able to get up and shuffle (almost like a baby, or someone who drank too much) to the bathroom with assistance. Embarrassing, but honest, and something to keep in mind when you read Day 2!
Once I left the facility, I started to sober up some more. Time is still a blur to me, but I'd guess that I was back to “baseline” about 50 minutes after the infusion was stopped.
So far, on day 1 alone, here's what I'm noticing:
I feel light (physically and mentally) and calm.
We went to Park Meadows for a snack and a walk, and I noticed that I wasn't looking over my shoulder or paying attention to ALL the sounds around me (people, music, etc.). I was able to be "in the moment", and in no rush to run to the car.
When we got home, I took the dogs out, and I didn't have to wait outside the door for a long while to make sure the coast was clear before letting the 1st dog out. Usually, I'll stand there for a few minutes to listen for people and other dogs to make sure we won't run into anyone when coming down the stairs. I'm not scared of what my dogs will do - I just want to avoid any surprises on the stairs for my own sake. Today though, I feel calm, cool, and collected when it came to the confidence I had in the dogs and myself to simply go outside. I didn't think of worst-case scenarios awaiting me on the stairs.
Cooking dinner still gives me anxiety when using the oven. So, that's a work-in-progress. I just can't handle smoke (which leads to the fire alarm, which leads to panic) – not that this is too common of an occurrence, but our alarms are so touchy in such a small space.
Driving through my hometown on the way home didn't feel super great, which is usual for me. Yes, I have good memories in that town. But also, some bad and/or sad ones, such as thinking about friends I've lost, and friends I've grown apart from. I've mentioned these feelings before- so, that's obviously still a work in progress... something to heal from and continue to move forward from.
Now, it's 8PM. About 8 hours after the infusion ended. And I'm looking forward to sleep. And hopefully a good night of sleep - for the first time in 14 years! (No exaggeration - I never feel rested. I have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, fighting through nightmares, and then waking up to "survive" another day).
I'm also looking forward to work in the morning, and infusion #2 in the afternoon. I'm no longer nervous or scared about what to expect during the infusion. I'm simply curious about how the next 5 infusions will go. What will I see and think about? How will I feel afterwards? Will I continue to notice changes in my symptoms/behaviors?
I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.
Find the beauty in being broken.
