Out of the dark forest and into the light, Part 3
Ketamine Therapy series
Day 4
I’ve been feeling good this morning. Work went well. Nothing new to report! Again, the weekend was a nice break. But ready to jump back in for the final 3 infusions.
Post Infusion Reflection:
It's about 3 hours since the infusion ended. I'm not sure how I feel. The dose was appropriate. My body felt fine, and I wasn’t hallucinating or tripping as much as I was on day 1. But I couldn't get out of this single train of thought, which was frustrating.
I've shared previously that death is especially triggering for me, which I believe is because I suffered a big loss only weeks before my assault, so it’s all somehow become intertwined.
For the duration of my infusion, all I thought about were some of the 25 people I've lost in my 28 years of life (I know, it's weird I know the number. It was a therapy "activity" a few years ago – to write down who I’ve lost, and their impact in my life).
Logan, Dominic, Jake, Grandma Deb, Grandma Nancy, Jennifer, Christina, Johnnie, Jacob, Austin, Alison, Tyler, Daley, and Uncle David.
I saw their faces, and had so many thoughts about them, recalling memories with them, and the loss of each of them running through my mind, remembering where I was around each of their deaths. It was heavy. I even remember asking myself why I was going down this path during the infusion. It wasn't until I was on my way home that I realized that my brain was probably doing this because I haven't grieved in a way that I needed to. During the infusion, I cried (not hard, but it was a constant stream of tears from what I could feel toward the end of my “come down”), completely out of my control, which was tough, but needed. Trauma is stored in the body, and maybe this was my body healing.
2 days left. Hoping for the best.
Day 5
So, this morning, I was slow to wake up, and get ready for the day. I had a hard time falling asleep, so I’m assuming my body just wanted it’s full 8 hours. I was able to work at normal pace, still. I had a little bit of a headache, but I’m ready to jump into this next infusion.
Post Infusion Reflection:
It’s about 3 hours after the infusion was stopped, and I'm still feeling, what I call, “floaty”. It was my highest dose to date (tomorrow being the last, and just a teeny bit higher).
I had a whole bunch of different thoughts today during my infusion:
Thanksgiving plans
My understanding of mental health, like walking down a trail with landmarks of memories; how its grown from being in the dark, to going to therapy, to researching, starting Beauty in being broken, going back to therapy, and then finally finding this treatment - how much I've learned in general and about myself. How many people have reached out to me to share their own stories/journeys/struggles. How I know in my heart that I'm on the right path, so that I can try to help more people on a grander scale.
At some point, I jumped back into my assault. More about feelings this time though - faces were blurred, and the situation was either slow-motion or frozen at times...but the movement was almost like those drone videos where the controller person is flying at a high rate of speed one way and then the quickly change directions...just focusing on simplified details - like the bullet point, visual version of what happened. But I allowed myself to surrender to the journey. I didn't feel any emotions or physical movement during the infusion, but when I looked at myself in a mirror afterwards, I saw some marks on my neck. I'm assuming I moved my hand up there subconsciously during that part of my trip, but I can't be sure, considering my body goes numb and heavy. I know I haven't processed the assault. So, like my prior infusion, I believe it was my brain trying to piece things together, or work through it, or maybe I was trying to really show myself that I made it through. I survived. It felt like a different perspective, almost. And a little bit of calmness hit me at the end of that train of thought. Because, I did in fact live through it. When I try to talk about it out loud, I have a major trigger reaction which affects my mind and body in a way like a panic attack. But in the two instances/infusions where the rape came through during my infusion, I was calm, and knew I was safe, and was able to take a step back during the experiences to look at the facts.
I kept repeating my chosen phrase/analogy when I needed to realign or change my thoughts patterns - "out of the dark forest and into the light".
From there, I don't remember much. I think I went back to the mental health related train of thought, and had some other random thoughts come in. Nothing else stood out to me, and STUCK with me, other than thinking "I wish I could record my mind right now", for the sole purpose of remembering 100% of what was going on in there! It gets quite interesting.
We are on to #6 tomorrow - the final infusion. I had the option to go up to 9 based on my evaluation, prescription, and needs, but I'm trusting the tried-and-true process of completing 6 (that’s the minimum that most people go through with). I'll have therapy the week after Thanksgiving and will get to “debrief” some more at that time.
I had this last weekend to unwind a little bit, but I am so excited to going back to my normal routine to see if I notice any changes in my day-to-day, and what those changes are. Maintenance infusions are available if I feel myself slipping backwards, but I believe with continued therapy, an increase an exercise, some mindfulness practice (meditation), and my writing (personal or public), I may be able to continue the path forward in my healing without maintenance. Either way, I know what to expect and what I need to do. Now, should maintenance infusions be needed, that's OK! Now that I've been through it, I have nothing to be worried or nervous about. I understand the science behind it and trust it. I'm trusting the process. Maintenance could possibly be needed within 6 months to 2 years (average), but it is different for everyone.
I'm excited to see what happens!
I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.
Find the beauty in being broken.
