Out of the dark forest and into the light, Part 4
Ketamine Therapy series
Day 6
Final morning! I woke up still a little fuzzy but was able to work efficiently. The "fuzziness" threw me off a little bit, so I didn't really notice anything else of note – I was just in my head, getting my work done.
Post Infusion Reflection:
The bell has been wrung, as my dad said.... all 6 have been completed! I could tell this was a little higher of a dose. It went well, though. I thought about a myriad of things - work, the holidays. I imagined some far-away places, the beach, space...again. Nothing scary, negative, or profound. I was just along for the ride. I remember repeating "take the leap", "out of the dark forest and into the light", "surrender" and "trust the process".
I'm still fuzzy, 4 hours after it ended. Waiting for some enchiladas to be delivered while I write this one.
Last thoughts for today, since I don’t have much to say about the infusion itself: The staff at this medical clinic were AMAZING. The director I had a consult with via phone, and scheduled through was kind, detailed, organized, and put me at ease. The front office staff were helpful, so friendly/welcoming, and very accommodating. The PA I met with on day 1 gave me the final confidence boost I “needed” to go sit in that chair and start the process. She listened, asked great questions, understood my boundaries but asked some tough but fair questions to cover all the bases, which helped me feel like I was in the right place with the right people. Last but not least, though – BUT most importantly the nursing staff. My main nurse, Quinn, was AMAZING. She was a constant for me. She made the whole process so easy each day. I had 1 brief interaction with another nurse who was extremely kind while setting up. Unfortunately, my deep veins were being tough, so once she grabbed Quinn for help, I didn't see her again. But that solidified my appreciation for just how kind and patient-centered the entire staff/clinic is. They eased my nerves and worries, were great with communication, checked in on me at appropriate times to make sure I was alright, and were great with the overall holistic care. They surely made a massive impact in my life, all within just a few days.
Day 1, post-infusion
Day 1, post FINAL infusion was a relaxed day. I was still "sobering up" for most of the day as it hasn’t been 24 hours yet. I did have a nightmare around 3am, but it could have been a result of the drug still in my system. It was hard to turn my brain off the night before to sleep (felt like I was having another infusion, almost – very active and vivid visual thoughts!).
Once I got up, I was able to jump into the day easily before heading to the family's home for a mini-thanksgiving - a few holiday food items and some funny YouTube videos to fit some laughs into the day – we learned that a family member had passed away in the morning, so company was very much needed.
Day 2, post-infusion
Today, I could finally drive!! I ran errands for a few hours to prep for part 2 of Thanksgiving, and....drum roll please.... I paid my car off after 8 LONG years. It's been a big week! (Not an important part to any of this, but really, it's been a BIG week.)
I noticed that even in the hustle and bustle of Black Friday in both Costco and Walmart, I was surprisingly calm. My hypervigilance was noticeably decreased. I was able to take my time, not get overwhelmed by the amount of people around, and I didn't feel like I had run a marathon by the time I left (usually I have a high heart rate, nervous-sweating a little bit, and just a general feeling of being overwhelmed).
I didn't know what to expect for the outcome of the infusions, but I think I'm understanding just how much these changes matter-even if they seem small. I haven't considered just how major my symptoms were. I'm still getting used to my nervous system being normalized. It makes my body feel "empty" but in a good way. Maybe I'll find a better way to explain that at some point. I'm just not on edge 24/7 anymore. My body is calm and quiet. My sense of time is a little off, but I think it's because I was previously hyper-aware of every minute of every day, counting every minute it took for me to take care of every task, making my days as full and busy as possible- work, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, errands, cooking, etc. But now I'm just surrendering to the day and going with the flow.
I believe rest is still important, especially moving forward- my body and brain are working hard internally to make physical changes and adjustments. I'm not ready to jump into anything "extra" that I couldn't handle a week and a half ago, but I'm positive there will be continued changes for months to come. I read this quote recently: “After you start to heal your past trauma(s) and you come out of fight or flight mode, your body will crave a lot of rest, and silence. Your body finally starts to feel safe in the peace and quiet. The calm. You’re not lazy - your body is just catching up on all the years it didn’t have this stillness.” If that isn’t the most relatable thing within all of this….!
Overall, I do have to say that I think this treatment needs to be shared far and wide. I thought it would be re-traumatizing, but all I've noticed is positive- even the infusions were not bad, at all. It's a controlled "trip" in a very controlled environment, and I was so lucky to have such amazing staff at the clinic I chose to go through. It's not an on/off switch for mental health symptoms to suddenly go away, but it opens more opportunities and clearer paths to heal and move forward when you may be hitting a wall with therapy, or even with medications.
I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.
Find the beauty in being broken.
