Out of the dark forest and into the light, Part 2
Ketamine Therapy series
Day 2
This morning, I woke up with a massive headache. Couldn't figure out if it was because I was clenching my teeth in my sleep, dehydration, or some other outcome of the drug. I don't feel rested (could have been the headache) but I do believe I had some dreams (not nightmares), which is rare - so that's a positive! I was able to work at a normal pace this morning, but time felt so slow. I’m looking forward to round 2 later today, but there is still some nervousness as well.
Post Infusion Reflection:
So, this infusion wasn’t as vivid.
The infusion dosage was lower based on some observations they made on day one (I’m assuming because I told the nurse that I was in space yesterday – as the first thing that came out of my mouth!).
Magnesium was added to the infusion to lower anxiety and further relax my body.
My thoughts still flowed from one thing to another, just like day 1. Usually, I have 100s of thoughts running through my mind at any given time with no rhyme or reason, which is so chaotic and can be overwhelming, but while hooked up to the infusion, it's all connected (or, it feels connected per my memory).
I did have some "negative" things creep in during the infusion today. Mainly, the assault. But it didn't induce fear. It was more like a replay of what happened - facts, not feelings. It's something I know well at this point, usually anxiety and panic come along with it.
Today, I lasted the full hour + 40 minutes (50 min infusion, 50 min "come down"), so when I left, I wasn't still loopy, and I didn’t have to be “handled” or assisted to get up, walk around and leave the clinic. I was able to walk out on my own.
As far as changes go, I haven't noticed anything today. I'm just tired. And a little fuzzy in my mind. No epiphanies, or clarity, and the light isn't any brighter than it was yesterday. 2 down, 4 to go!
Day 3
This morning, I woke up with no headache, and no other changes noticed. I’m still feeling calm, but I’m not sure I slept any better. Work went normally - normal pace, felt like any other typical day.
Post Infusion Reflection:
This round felt like the happy medium to day 1 and 2. It sounds like my day 2 dose was lowered to even me out. Day 1 came on with very strong "hallucinations", whereas day 2 was just relaxing. Since tolerance to ketamine happens quickly, they were hoping for day 1 to have been more like how day 2 ended up being, which is why day 2 was lowered, and in turn day 3 was increased. They’ll check in with me each day to see how the most recent infusion felt, and if it went smoothly, they’ll continue to increase the dose for the rest of the infusions. The point of the infusions is to get the drug into my system. Hallucination/dissociation is not required for the treatment to work.
Today, I had vivid thoughts and lines of thinking, without the “out of body,” high end hallucinations. I also felt more in-control of some/most of my trains of thought, and those thoughts were still flowing clearly and calmly. I came out of it feeling better than I did yesterday. Day 2 was “meh”, but today felt more positive, and impactful.
Rest Day 1
Woke up feeling a little hung over (if that’s the right way to explain it?). Groggy, a teeny headache. Was able to get up, take care of the pups, and make some food. Feeling good otherwise though. For 24 hours after each infusion, I cannot drive, and it's recommended to relax - so that's the plan! Netflix and... nap/do nothing!
Still, the most obvious change I feel is a sense of calm. I believe it's my nervous system finally chilling out. I haven’t consistently been feeling on edge or having any anxiety. Prior to the infusions, both feelings were constant. And it was exhausting. I had to energy for work, cleaning, cooking, errands and taking care of the dogs – but pushing myself to the absolute limit to feel like I was doing something with my time. Something always had to be done. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't relax and enjoy it.
I'm sleeping soundly -still a struggle to fall asleep, and waking up is also slow, but it could be that I'm finally being able to catch up on some much-needed REST. Also - I'm DREAMING! Vividly. And no nightmares. That means I'm reaching REM, which hadn't happened in years.
Rest Day 2:
Well, I can feel a tiny bit of a difference between today and yesterday. Today, I had a bit more energy - was able to run errands (yay, driving!) and do some light cleaning. Usually, when I'm in the mood to do any of that, I have a high sense of urgency, and can even get carried away with the cleaning - to include decluttering/reorganizing suddenly, which can last for hours - being on an anxiety high until I hit a wall. But today felt...smooth, and calm! I didn't push myself to the limit.
I woke up with no headache and was able to jump right into the day without any downtime/procrastination.
I’m looking forward to the rest of the week. Work each morning, my final 3 infusions each afternoon, and then we have Thanksgiving and an extended weekend. Although I feel bad for taking so much time off work, I think I chose the right moment for this treatment, especially since I'll have 4 days of relative "down time" at the end of it all. After having this 2-day weekend to have a break between infusions, I can confirm that the downtime is extremely important to recuperate from the treatment. It's not as taxing as I thought it could be, but rest is so important both mentally and physically.
I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.
Find the beauty in being broken.
