Hi everyone!
I know it's been a while, but I appreciate you sticking around. There's much to talk about!
To start, since my last post in January, therapy has stopped (not by choice, technically). My therapist had to deactivate their license while going out of state for an extended period of time. Initially, I was sad because we were really making steps forward, but I was also understanding that this was not personal. She provided referrals for new therapists and sent me ROI (release of information) documentation so that when I find a new therapist, she can share my notes and such so I wouldn't have to start 100% fresh. I was glad she didn't leave me completely alone with the change.
With this being said though, I've decided to wait to look for a new therapist. Partially because looking for new providers (for anything) stresses me out to no end, and also because I want to give myself time to get into new patterns after the ketamine therapy without having a therapist to help shape any outcomes and to see what I could do on my own. I've re-joined the gym and have started researching long term effects of PTSD/fight, flight, freeze, etc. I've found that my cortisol may be wrecked due to my nervous system being on high alert for so long.
Prior to when I decided to share about my assault in 2019, I was active, physically fit, my mental health was alright and I was able to sleep and function pretty normally, all because I had pushed it down and into the back of my thoughts nearly immediately, and for such a long time. Once I shared, the flood gates really opened, and I went downhill in so many different ways. By hiding and denying what had happened to me from 2008-2019, I was able to mask everything within myself. During the most important time of growth in my life, I was able to create a false reality of sorts, and never did I have to confront anything related to the trauma. It was unhealthy in a way, of course, but by pretending it never happened, I didn't feel the effects of my assault as much as I have from 2019 through now. What I've experienced in the last few years is surely a delayed reaction to what happened, but it had built up so much that the effects were (and have continued to be) lifechanging. So, in addition to the gym, I am also regularly taking magnesium and l-theanine to help me re-balance my cortisol (and my sleep patterns, which can help lower cortisol). Small steps, I know - but why not try?
Recently, in mid-March, I found out that I would be losing my job, so I put aside thoughts of therapy just in case I had a lapse with insurance. My entire department is being affected by this, which is such a huge bummer because the work that we do for the communities we support is so impactful and important, and this is one of the first jobs I've had where I am SO excited to share what we do when anyone asks. I've lost my prior 2 jobs as well, outside of my control. 2018, we closed our location in southern Colorado, and everyone was laid off. 2021, my position was dissolved and moved to another country, and my choices were to be demoted or to find a new job, which is how I found this wonderful job that is now going away in the next few months. Now, the last month has been incredibly stressful - at the time of writing this (end of April), nobody in the program has been given any definitive information about when they will be let go (3-phases, so we have general end dates to prepare for). We've been living in the most uncomfortable "grey area".
Here's some good news though - I have been offered a new position/promotion to start the first week of May in a role that I've never worked in! I've been in Training/QA for 10 years, so I am VERY excited to have this opportunity taking form. I think most of my stress is coming from leaving my current team, who is full of the most amazing people.
On a very different note, for a while, I've wanted to explain why I decided to launch something with the name "Beauty in being broken". I had "mixed reviews" when I first shared the name I decided to go with, but it just felt right to me.
In 2019, I was going through some personal stuff which led me to therapy, which then led me to finally talk about my assault. Around that same time, I found Dermot Kennedy (my favorite musical artist ever since!), and started listening to his music constantly. He has a song called "Without Fear", with the following lyrics: "And now I really think you're heaven sent, But there's a beauty in being broken, I've been seein' it." What I took from not only this line, but so much of his music is that we (and maybe I specifically) could benefit from coming to terms with understanding and accepting that a good life is not always shiny and bright, and happy. While I truly believe we are whole people, that's not to say that we aren't also a little broken or cracked. What counts is that we work on bringing it all together. We need to find the beauty in everything we experience - pain, love, loss, new experiences, challenges and self-discovery.
A while after I started to share my writing, I found something else that really resonated with me, my writing, and the name I chose for my Substack, and it just further solidified my confidence in the name I chose to go with. There's a Japanese art form where they repair broken pottery with gold (or other powdered metals). It's called kintsugi. It fits so well within what I believe we go through in life.
"According to many, the imperfect beauty of Kintsugi is considered inspirational and Zen-like, as it reinforced the fact that there is beauty in broken things. I love the concept behind this because at times we all feel broken. But it’s our ability to rebuild and repair ourselves… sometimes with the help of others… that makes us into the beautiful people we are today. There are very few places where scars are seen as enhancing the beauty of the original object, but Kintsugi pottery is one of those. As such, it honors the things that have damaged us in the past, but which we have overcome." From <https://artandhome.net/kintsugi-pottery/>
Couldn't have said it any better.
I know I've taken some steps back from how often I write, but my goal is to continue to share intimate aspects of what I'm going through, along with any other internal thoughts, just in case I can help someone with even 1 little sentence. For so long, I felt so alone and isolated. There are resources out there for people who go through what I went through (heck, for so many different causes of trauma, and for mental health in general), but usually they are geared toward the immediate aftermath. I couldn't find much to help me through my "delayed" situation. I have no formal training to help anyone with, but I do have my words, experiences and feelings that I hope can resonate and help others feel less alone.
I want each of you to know that it's brave (and healthy) to open up about everything you're feeling, from your insecurities to anything you may feel ashamed about, to things that have hurt you or that you've done to hurt others. You have every right to tell people what you're feeling and what you need - even if you're worried about their reactions. You owe it to yourself to be open and honest with yourself, and those you have in your life. Don't pretend to be OK when you aren't. It's OK to feel less than OK.
My circle is small, and it's taken time for me to come to terms that as much as I may want a larger circle of support, I need to lean on those that are present in my life. Pushing things down can be so damaging, and lonely, and heartbreaking. My point is, consider me to be in your circle. I have you. You matter to me. Even if you never reach out, and we never speak, I hope that what I share can help you feel less alone, and that you can take what I share and say and translate it into your own life so that you can start to heal and continue to grow. In the same breath, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here, even if we've never spoken before.
To wrap it up - there is beauty in being broken in our own individual ways, and you deserve nothing less than to feel supported, loved, cared for, HEARD. Lean on your people, find new people if you need to, and don’t try to do too much on your own. You're not alone when walking through this life. I guarantee you there are people willing to listen and love you, and there are people who can relate and support you through all of the good and bad times in life.
2 little side notes:
Still working on adding audio to my posts!
Also, I’m hoping to start selling Beauty in Being Broken hoodies, sweatshirts and shirts. I’ve created my first design to give it a spin. This is something I’ve been thinking about doing for years, so why not just take the jump! I’m excited to share more about it. Keep an eye out on my Instagram for details.
I care about you. You matter and are needed. You are strong and resilient. You are loved and valued. You are not alone; We are in this together.
There is beauty in being broken.
Amazing message today!! Beautifully written, as always 🥰
Thank you for all your gifts ~ this included!
Continue writing and continue healing ❤️🩹