Out of the dark forest and into the light, Part 5
Ketamine Therapy series
1 week later
Well, the calmness has continued! My nervous system is no longer in overdrive 24/7. I thought it could have been the drug lingering in my system for the first few days, but it's still noticeably lower! It's more than just "calmness", though - it's lower anxiety, it's the ability to rest, it's being able to go outside with the dogs or to the store without a feeling of doom working its way through me.
I had therapy a few days after the final infusion, and it was one of the better sessions we've been able to have. We jumped into some of the harder stuff that I experienced in the weeks prior (assault and death). Keep reading - there is a reason I'm sharing all of this!
So, first thing we covered was what I've dubbed my "death day", on Day 4 - she agreed with my own assumption/assessment that I don't grieve death in a "healthy" way (you know, the 7 stages of grief), and we share the belief that day 4 was all about my brain trying to work on some of that grief. We discussed a few activities for me to do, whenever I'm ready.
First, we discussed what she called "Ceremonial closure"; to say what I need to say to those I've lost, especially if there was anything left unsaid, and to "allow the wave to hit" me. She reminded me to give myself permission to feel all the feelings, to fall apartment, and to feel pain. It part of the human experience, after all!
Next, she gave me another activity that is similar to what I posted in "Looking at all sides" - but this time to focus solely on "taking inventory" what was taken from me, to start to walk in the "wholeness". When rape/sexual assault happens, she explained that it is a "soul level violation", in addition to the physical violation.
Third is to write down 3 places that I might enjoy going to, that I haven't gone to before the infusions, and to visit them "just because" - no agenda or plan. By doing this, she hopes I'll be able to rediscover the awe and wonder of the world and myself. This activity should work, even if I don’t like 1 or all of the places I choose to go to, because I at least gave it a try by simply experiencing something new.
We spoke at great length about emotions; I keep myself together until I absolutely cannot - and then I break into all of my emotions at one time. She asked me if there is anything that helps me touch my emotions, but not from a personal action (something that happened in my life to make me emotional). For an example, she shared that Grey's Anatomy is one thing she found that she can watch (Specific episodes/songs) that helps her open her emotions. I told her that I've found some movies in the last year that can get my emotion flowing - The Woman King and The Luckiest Girl Alive. My therapist asked if I would watch them and write about them…and to her surprise I told her that I have already done that on Substack (attached directly below)!
So, we read through a little bit of what I wrote earlier in the year. I told her about The Woman King, and what resonated with me (hint: I felt the MOST during the ending). That led to her asking me what my ultimate resolution would be ("fairytale" or reality) - watch the movie and the timing of this question will make sense. I told her it would be to see that "man" - who did this to me - held accountable. The most frustrating part all of this is knowing that he gets to live his life without the repercussions of the assault, but I have been living with the repercussions of his actions.
When I was wrapping up this this particular section of this post, I had some discussions with my family about taking action to work toward my ultimate resolution before the end of this month with some urgency due to my initial understanding that statute of limitations would officially run out as of this month. The day after this conversation was brought back up, my dad found that statute of limitations don't apply to me because of the age I was at the time (under 15 in CO). In that same timeframe, I found what I am pretty sure (99% sure) is the obituary of the man who assaulted me from mid-2023. At this point, I'm not sure how I'm feeling. It look almost 15 years for me to be "ready" to take the scary action of finding him, and fighting him through the justice system. On one hand, I wish I had done something sooner. On the other hand, I know that up until very recently, I was not mentally ready to submit myself to the atrocities and re-traumatization that can take place as a victim of r*pe in a court room. I've done my fair share of "research" into what happens in cases like this, and it's heartbreaking.
I'm not sure what, if anything, is left to do, but the reality is that I am most likely not going to get justice in the way that I imagined. But you might still have the opportunity to, so I want to ensure that I don't scare anyone away from getting that justice that you are undoubtedly owed. Please take it from me - don’t wait as long as I did. Tell someone what happened to you. Get a support system in place - family, friends and a therapist - sooner rather than later. And start moving through the steps you need to take to get that justice. To take the perpetrator off the streets. To heal yourself. To potentially help other victims who may not have the support, resources or knowledge to take steps to get justice on their own.
I cannot stress this enough - and I'm saying this as someone who tried to go through this alone - Rape and sexual assault is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a survivor of an atrocious act of evil, and you deserve to raise your voice, to share your story, to get justice, and to heal and work toward being a whole person again. You are also allowed to fall apart and mourn anything you've felt that you've lost. Your feelings are valid. Just don't suffer alone and in silence. Find a community that supports you through everything. And take action to get what you need to move forward.
I know - this was more so focused on a therapy session, and its lingering outcome. But I'm sharing it on this post, because all of these thoughts, feelings, conversations and realizations took place within the first week of completing the ketamine infusions. It may all seem small in writing compared to what I am realistically experiencing since the final infusion, but everything I've written about here is a "win" in its own special way as far as the ketamine's "immediate" effectiveness. I'm not in the full throes of fight or flight anymore, my mind is quieter and clearer than it's been in years, and I was more ready than ever before to start on the legal route. Those baby steps with my healing are getting a little wider. I'm able to talk about things I've pushed down for so long. My only wish is that I would have taken the leap a year ago with the ketamine, when I first started looking into it. And maybe, this entire year would have looked so different. But the good news is, I now have 2024 and the future to look forward to for healing, for new experiences, for growth, and more.
Helpful Links:
Ketamine research/studies (just a few):
The Therapeutic Effects of Ketamine in Mental Health Disorders: A Narrative Review - PMC (nih.gov)
Cracking the Ketamine Code - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) (nih.gov)
How ketamine relieves symptoms of depression | National Institutes of Health (NIH)
Ketamine found effective in treatment-resistant depression — Harvard Gazette
Ketamine Infusions: Pros, Cons, and Treatment Options | Bespoke Treatment
Colorado clinics (to start your search if you are curious):
Stella | Stellate Ganglion Block (SGB) & Ketamine Therapy Treatment - Stella (stellacenter.com)
Feel your best with our Denver Integrative Psychiatry & Wellness specialists (ballenmedical.com)
RAINN - the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
I care about you. You matter. You are strong. You are loved. You are not alone.
Find the beauty in being broken.
